Pinch Me.

16. June 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , ,

It hardly seems real that I’m going to Germany in 7 weeks.  But most of you don’t know that because I haven’t really shared the fact that I booked my flight on Monday to anyone.  In fact, I haven’t shared much of anything with anyone lately.  I met up with a girlfriend of mine yesterday after work for a beer, but mid-afternoon I got a text from her that sounded very familiar: “I totally want to still have a beer w you today but i have one request: could we not talk about me? lets talk about you or anything else. :) ”  I think I actually said the very same sentence to a different friend a couple weeks ago.  Although, as we drank through a bottle of Pinot at a fabulous little neighborhood Italian joint, I caved and we eventually talked about me a little.  But last night over a beer, my friend and I talked about the weather and thing that didn’t really matter too much.  And it felt good and light.  I guess we talked about my Europe trip a little but not much.  Maybe because she and I both subconsciously think that I’ m crying wolf.  Like I said, I hardly believe that I will actually be going in 7 weeks.

I need someone to pinch me and wake me up so I can feel something good.   I need to feel something.  I’ve just turned most of it off.  My body/mind/heart are protecting me from being overwhelmed by all these negative emotions.  And now that I have something to look forward to, it’s still hard to access the positive emotions.  So someone pinch me please!  I would really love to feel excited about this upcoming trip.

Sunday is Coming…

03. April 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , , , , ,

A dark candle lit auditorium is a good mood setter if you ask me.  Last night as I sat at our Good Friday service at Imago, the mood was somber and solemn, as Good Friday is not a holiday for bunny rabbits and daffodils.  The candle lit mood and the current state of my spirit brought me to feel a deep, heavy, and dark sadness over the gruesome, painful, selfless, and sacrificial death of Christ.  My spirit grieved so deeply because I now know death in a whole new way.  The songs, the atmosphere, the message, the art, the photos, every aspect of the service made it clear that the motivating force behind the crucifixion of Christ was LOVE.  Love.  God’s love has been turned upside and back again to me as of late, not that I’ve doubted it, but I’m just knowing it in a different way.  And that brought even more tears to my eyes last night.  As if I ever forget the people and things I am grieving right now, but the grief I felt over the cross of Christ last night brought those things to my heart and the back of my eyelids even more.

This week has been a heavy one for me because I realized the weight of all that I have lost and how much grief I am actually enduring.  Postponing my trip to Germany and the loss of the reprieve I so desperately needed, missing Anthony like crazy, and realizing that, two years later, I am finally grieving having diabetes and a body that has essentially betrayed itself, which is taking a hell of a toll on my body-image.  My heart was and is heavy and broken and going to a church service that spoke of the DEATH of Christ was…painful for lack of a better word.

As everyone stood to sing, I joined them, but the weight of my tears sat me back down and forced my head into my hands and I started to cry, pray and beg the Lord to rescue me from this death that I’ve been feeling all day everyday for the last 3 and half months(Romans 8…shoot!).  My stooped-over posture didn’t change much when the music ended and when Rick got up to preach on the crucifixion of Christ that is commemorated on Good Friday.

Then, like determined rays of sunlight breaking through a thick, heavy forest, one sentence that Rick spoke started to break through the heaviness of my heart and bring a bit of hope and healing.  “But Sunday is coming.”  SUNDAY IS COMING.  RESURRECTION.  The pain of death and the heaviness of grief has been conquered and we are no longer stuck living under the weight of it all anymore….not forever anyway.  There is always a Sunday, a resurrection, a reprieve, a glimmer of hope and healing because Christ has conquered it all and taken away death.

As heavy a mood I was in during the service, the resurrection of Christ hit me in a very real and very new way.  And once again, I am reminded that in all things, I can hear and know Christ more closely than before.

Spoke Too Soon

28. March 2010 · 3 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , , , ,

In less than a minute, my excitement, butterflies, anticipation, and relief disappeared and turned to sadness, anger, I don’t know if I ever have words for it.  I’m always looking at the sunny side, the flip side, the positive, the benefit, the “well look at like this…”, or “well at least…”, etc etc.

I don’t even know how to describe how I am feeling about postponing this trip. Bummed seems too casual, and devastated seems too hopeless. Heartbroken seems dramatic but I think that sums it up the best.

This trip was more than just a vacation for me. It was a reprieve, an awakening, a breath of life. I’ve been feeling so dry lately, like nothing is stimulating my senses, or passions, or what taps into the deepest part of my heart. To go see Germany, be in the French wine country, which has been such a dream for as long as I can remember, to spend time with Steve, to get away from the hum drum of everyday life, to have my soul fed–that was what this trip was for me. And I needed it to come just when I was coming: in less than a month. The combination of working a desk job for 40 hrs a week for almost a year, losing Anthony, and feeling like I’m not doing anything that uses my spiritual gifts or that brings me life and joy has been so weighing and exhausting. I was ready to do something new and be able to breathe a little bit. But all of a sudden, I feel like there is a wall in front of me that is so high that I cannot get over it, and so wide that I cannot get around it. And the Lord is not throwing me a rope or giving me a map. He’s just being silent. The one thing I was looking towards to breathe life into my lungs was just taken away from me so quickly and now I am left to mourn the temporary loss of this trip and this reprieve.  I feel like there is no light, no reprieve, just me being stuck and tied down gasping for air and life.

And now I feel like I have to make a choice.  I can stay at my current job (which robs me of the life and joy that comes from using the gifts God has given me) and going in June, or choosing to work at Winderlea (a fantastic winery out in Dundee which would be somewhat of a dream come true and use my gifts) and waiting until the fall to find this reprieve.  The choice seems to be between going to Europe and working at the winery–both of which have been my dream for a long time.

So I am left to pray. I know full-well that there is purpose in this postponement, but I am heartbroken enough right now to struggle seeing that. I don’t even know what to pray for. I just want to pack up all my belongings, leave Portland, and start a new chapter abroad. I could get a job at a winery out there and live in one of Steve’s spare rooms and and just enjoy living in Europe.

That’s where I’m at. I know that as I pray, the Lord will bring peace and provide two weeks somewhere, somehow. I just need to push through these emotions and trust. Trust in His GOODNESS, His LOVE, His plan…just trust Him. That’s all I got.

Alright, that was loaded. You can breathe now. So can I.

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