I haven’t blogged in a quite a while…and I know exactly why:
It’s been a dark season for me. I don’t even know how to handle my own grief and depression (yes, I very hesitantly admit that I have been very depressed for the past several months. More on that later) so I don’t expect anyone else to know how to handle it. Therefore, I’m doubtful that putting myself out there will yield any sort of support or comfort. Most people don’t know how to handle grief and will seldom acknowledge it in others. And I really haven’t had any energy, strength, or motivation to put into writing it all out, so I just haven’t done it.
But some pivotal things have happened over the past couple of days that I feel need recognition and processing. To start things off, I didn’t get the wine job that I have been praying for and longing for for months. I actually found on via Facebook status update that they hired someone else. That brought a sense of hopelessness that I will always be stuck behind my desk and never hired to do the job that I’m passionate about and really gifted at, and the feeling that I am not important or valuable enough for even a courtesy call or email. It tapped into some deeper feelings.
Secondly, I went to a going away party 2 weekends ago with my roommates and some people from my church–some I did know and some I didn’t. I tried to mingle with the people that I did know, but I had no desire to answer the “how are you” question because to put it honestly, I have not been well. I felt like I had two options for answering that question: I had to be ingenuine and dodge it, or I had to be a total debbie downer and answer it honestly. To the people I didn’t know, I’m sure I came across and unfriendly and unpleasant which certainly is not at all who I am. I realized that I haven’t been myself for the past several months and I was brought to tears once I left because my current state of being has made me very closed off and distant from people. I’m ready for this season of me to be over.
Thirdly, my best friend’s “Anthony” died last weekend which brought on some vicarious grieving over the loss of my Anthony. I hate that the death of our dear friends has become common in our lives and that it is something that we share. I hate that she now knows what it is like to lose a friend tragically to death, that she knows what it is like to collapse on the floor screaming and crying “NO NO NO NO!” I hate that she will know the darkness, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the sleeplessness, and the loneliness that comes with missing a best friend. I hate that she doesn’t have the hope of Christ to comfort her, sustain her, and give her hope through it all. I hate everything about her loss and I wish I could take it away from her.
And just this morning, a dear friend of mine reminded me that even though I am no one to ask God to change his plan and purpose for my life because He indeed has a loving, good, and perfect purpose for what He is doing, I can still ASK Him for a reprieve and relief. It doesn’t hurt to ask. This whole time, all I have been asking of Him is that He would keep me faithful and trusting Him. That He would hold me close to Him as I walk through this valley. I haven’t heard Him much lately, and I feel as though He is putting me through the ringer, and I truly do trust that He is still good and loving through it all, but I am His daughter, and I can still ask that He lift this cloud of depression and great sadness and isolation from me. That instead of plaguing me with tough times and unfortunate circumstances, that He would bring something that lifts my head and hopes a little bit.
So Lord, as I am walking through this valley, trusting that you are good no matter what, I ask in faith that you would bring some light to my days and breathe life into my heart.
” I think I actually said the very same sentence to a different friend a couple weeks ago. Although, as we drank through a bottle of Pinot at a fabulous little neighborhood Italian joint, I caved and we eventually talked about me a little. But last night over a beer, my friend and I talked about the weather and thing that didn’t really matter too much. And it felt good and light. I guess we talked about my Europe trip a little but not much. Maybe because she and I both subconsciously think that I’ m crying wolf. Like I said, I hardly believe that I will actually be going in 7 weeks.
