Trust

30. January 2010 · 4 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , ,

I’ve never been one to have crazy, prophetic visions, or hear the audible voice of God, but there have been times when the Lord brings people, situations, or themes to my mind and heart right before I fall asleep. You know the zone I’m talking about.  The one when you’re still awake and conscious, but you are teetering on the edge of zonking out at any moment.  It’s almost like sleep twilight—right between day and night, awake and asleep.  When I was on a women’s retreat early this fall with Imago, it happened to me.  I was along the river one morning praying and reading a certain passage of scripture from Matthew, when I fell into this sleep twilight.  My mind starting thinking about that passage differently, as though I were there with Jesus.  Moments like those really deepen my relationship with Christ and make Him more tangible.

That same thing happened recently while I was falling asleep one night.  Right before I went to bed, I checked my Facebook and learned that the almost 5-year-old son of some friends from Imago just got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  I immediately texted and emailed them to offer my prayers and support, but my mind was stuck on them until I finally feel asleep.  The theme of “trust” just kept popping into my head.  Not only with my little friend with diabetes, but also with many other areas in my life.  I just kept on hearing, “Trust me, for I am good…all the time.  My grace is sufficient, and I have purpose in what I give and what I take away.”

What other option do I have than to trust Him?  I can choose to not trust him, but what would that mean?  Worrying more, biting my nails, being anxious, trusting someone or something else?  Trusting myself?  Yeah, that makes sense because I’m more trustworthy than the God who created the universe and created me and everyone and everything.  I think I’m gonna pick Him to trust.

That same night, as the word trust rang loudly in my mind, I remembered a professor I had in Bible College who was more deeply connected to the Lord than I had ever seen before.  She shared many pieces of her life with the class but one piece has stood out to me ever since and I have always admired this about here.  She said that every year, God would give her a different theme for that year.  I don’t remember any of the specific themes she shared, but she said that whatever theme was on her heart, she would pay attention and pray through it for the entire year.  My friend Dani shared the same thing in one of her recent blogs.  Maybe the Lord was telling me what my theme for 2010 should be: Trust.

There are many things I want to see happen in this next year, things I have strong desires for, and maybe God knows that (ok, I’m positive he knows that) and wants me to entrust them to him.  Afterall, when my hope and trust is in the Lord, then my heart won’t be broken when I don’t get the outcome I wanted.  And who knows, maybe I will get the outcome I want, but no matter what, I’m comforted knowing that He is Good and has a plan.

The Second to Last Scene

12. January 2010 · 4 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , , ,

There’s nothing like a good movie to trigger some emotions, right?  My roommate Rachel and I didn’t have any plans this past Saturday night so we decided to head down to the Laurelhurst Theater to see “Julie and Julia.”  What’s better than a $3.00 movie and a pitcher of beer with a good friend on a Saturday night?  When we got to the theater, we were dismayed to find that the movie was sold out.  We scanned the movie list for alternatives and opted to see “Where the Wild Things Are” instead.

The movie started 20 minutes later than our first pick, so we sat patiently in the theater with our pitcher of PBR (we were lacking cash that night….again, not my first choice) watching the local advertisements flash across the screen mixed with photos of snowy mountain tops.  It’s not like I ever stop thinking about Anthony and Mt. Hood, but for some reason I just didn’t want to see those pictures.  The movie finally started, but I just kept on thinking about how much Anthony would have loved this movie and imagining him sitting next to me laughing the way he always did.  Those kinds of thoughts are getting more and more common these days.

The second to last scene is what really got me.  Max, the little boy in the story, has a life changing experience with the Wild Things and builds relationships with them.  I don’t know about you, but I form close and unique bonds with the people that I experience life-changing events with.  Max and I have that in common.  Although his time with the Wild Things wasn’t all fun and dirt clod fights, his departure back home brought tears to their eyes…and mine.  They were the same tears that streamed down my cheeks at the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy when Frodo sails off into the horizon with Gandolf, never to see his best friend Sam or his other companions again.  Think of the life changing experiences they had together!  If two people in history were ever closely knit, I would say that Frodo and Sam are as close as you can get.  So when Sam realizes that he would never ever see Frodo again, of course his heart broke.  Mine broke too.  I’ve always had a hard time saying goodbye to people that I’m close to, but most of the time, it’s never final.  I will see them again sometime in my life, or at least be able to talk to them on the phone, over email, instant messenger, etc.  But the finality of Max and Frodo’s departure went deep and brought emotion.  At least they got to say goodbye.

Say Goodbye Max

I wish I would have been able to say goodbye to Anthony.

The last time I saw Anthony was on Friday, November 13th, 2009 at the Horse Brass in Portland.  He was in town with Maija, her brother Ben, and a friend of Ben’s, so he called to see if I was free to join them for a beer at our favorite pub.  Luckily I was free. See, I was supposed to hang out with a girl friend of mine that night but she cancelled on me saying she had food poisoning, which I found out later that night from her roommate that she wasn’t actually sick, but out of town with her boyfriend.  Bummer lie, if you ask me but that just goes to show that God is a God who redeems our sin!  And since we are to give thanks in all circumstances, I can’t help but be thankful that she lied to me because that opened up my evening to see Anthony one last time before he was taken home.  Had I known that that would be the very last time I would see my friend, who I had many life changing experiences with, and had a strong bond with, I don’t think I would have just hugged him briefly and went on with my evening.  I don’t think he would have either.  I think we would have made one last memory together…for my sake since I’m the one who is still on earth.

What about the last scene though?  The last scene in “Where the Wild Things Are” is Max returning home to a worried mother and them embracing each other with so much love and affection.  In “The Return of the King” it’s Sam in the Shire with his beautiful hobbit wife and hobbit kids.  The last scene is always a reunion with the one they love, or seeing the character prospering and happy.  I’m at rest knowing that Anthony’s final scene is more joyous than any movie can depict.  Heaven is infinitely more beautiful than the Shire and his reunion with Christ is more than we could ever imagine.

Still Chewing on Heaven

04. January 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

The thought of Heaven and the peace it is bringing my soul as of late continues to grow and bring me to long for it just as much as Anthony did.  I guess you could say that I’ve always believed in this lofty idea of Heaven, but now that I know that Anthony is there, singing the most beautiful songs, hearing the most beautiful music, seeing the most spectacular sunsets, eating the most amazing feast, and walking with the most amazing Love, I crave it too.

I know the Lord is all about timing, and here’s another example of that.  Phil Wickham, a recent favorite, put out a new album this fall called “Heaven and Earth.”  When I listen to it, it feels like Anthony could have written it, or is singing it from Heaven right now.  There’s one song in particular called “Heaven Song” that resonates with strings and a piano is one that will lull you into heavenly and prayerful sleep.  I went to see Phil Wickham on New Years Eve on a whim with my friend Dani Shulke, which was the perfect way to ring in the new year, if you ask me.  The show quenched the thirst I was having for a good night of worship and when I got home, I sat in my car and listen to “Heaven Song” on repeat for 30 minutes or so, crying and praying to the Lord, asking him to draw me as close to Heaven and himself as he could and would.  The second verse of the song says,

“I hear your voice and I catch my breath

‘Well done my child, enter in and rest.’

Tears of joy roll down my cheek,

It’s beautiful beyond my wildest dreams.

…My soul is getting restless for the place where I belong,

I can’t wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.”

Go ahead a take a listen…

Heaven Song by Phil Wickham

Close your eyes, and imagine hearing the most beautiful voice; a voice of the One that longs for you, desires you, loves you, would die for you, and that you feel the same way about.  Now imagine seeing the most beautiful place you can picture. (Seriously, close your eyes and imagine this) What do you see?  What does the air feel like?  What do you hear, smell, taste?  What time of day is it?  What are you doing?  What is your body doing?  Are you shoulders easing up?  Are your arms relaxing?  Are you cracking a smile? Now imagine the scene you just set, but enhance it beyond your wildest dreams.  Now imagine that you are brought to tears by all the beauty that you are not only grasping with your 5 senses, but that you are feeling in the depths of your soul.  Of course tears are going to roll down your cheeks!  Finally, you are free of from the rush hour traffic of your commute home, free from the dishes left in the sink, free from the stress of an unstable job, free from the loneliness that comes from being single or in a broken relationship, the feeling that you are a burden to people, the pain of losing a loved one, the pain of life.  It’s gone.  Now, you are in a perfect relationship, in the perfect place, perfectly gloried and…free.  Everything you can imagine, all your expecations and desires, are met in Him.

Don’t worry.  I’m not going to do anything drastic of destructive.  I just have a new perspective and I’m ready for Heaven.  I’m ready for freedom and perfect love.

How??

04. January 2010 · 1 comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

Give thanks in all circumstances. Be joyful always. Rejoice! I say it again, rejoice! How on earth can I walk through life’s waves and rolls, gains and loses and always be joyful and thankful? I’m not joyful when (pardon my French) the shit hits the fan at Christmas and my family goes batty. When my car breaks down and I have to spend $520 to get it fixed and then have to take it back to shop again a week after I get it back, that doesn’t make me want to rejoice. And when I heard Anthony was missing on Mt. Hood and never found, that didn’t bring me to give thanks in that circumstance…right away at least. But as the days and weeks have gone by, and as I process through this circumstance on my own and with other people, and take time to pray, seek His purpose and ask for hope, I am starting to see that there is so much to be thankful for and rejoice in.

Melanie put into words so many of the thoughts that had been bouncing around in my head and heart in her latest blog entry about blessings: http://melaniepreiss.blogspot.com/2009/12/blessings.html

So here are some blessings that I will give thanks for and rejoice in:

-Spending time with the Vietti’s and Preiss’ and feeling like I gained another family

-Becoming close friends with Maija, Melanie, and Dani

-Meeting the Nordstrom’s

-Meeting all the amazing people at Anthony’s church, The Bridge

-Seeing such solid, faithful families come together and proclaim Christ through the loss of Anthony, Katie, and Luke

-Knowing Christ is such new ways: as my Rock, Sustainer, Comforter, and Hope

-Getting to see many people I worked at Island Lake with at Anthony’s and Luke’s memorial

-A supportive family for walking and sitting with me through my grieving process

-The hospitality and accomodations of Timberline Lodge

-Dennis Simons, our Chaplain, and his wife Kathy

-Holly, our other Chaplain

-The flexibility and understanding of my boss for letting me take a whole week off

-Talking to Chris from Portland Mountain Rescue who is part of my Home Community

-The press being so respectful of us

-The Gospel being proclaimed all over the world through Anthony, Katie, Luke and everyone who spoke with the media.

-My increasing belief and longing for Heaven and Jesus

-Such a healing and worshipful memorial service for Anthony that truly honored him and the Lord

-Everyone who sent me texts, FB comments and messages, emails, and phone calls.

-Paul for giving me a roadmap of what my process of grieving might look like

-Finding Phil Wickham’s “Heaven and Earth” album at just the right time

-Jeanne at Megumi Chalet in Government Camp for praying for us and hosting us for dinner and rest

-The times of prayer Imago Dei hosted

-The USAF flying Steven out here from Germany and letting him extend his leave through Christmas

-My roommates for doing laundry for me, reminding me to eat, praying over me, crying with me, and holding me as I wept

-Jon Vietti comforting me and hugging me up at Timberline when I was in tears

-Finding all the momentos of Anthony and hearing stories that remind us that Anthony was truly Heaven bound

-A support system that allows me to walk through this process of grieving and not always look on the bright side

-Will the list ever end?

Although I miss Anthony terribly and will probably miss him more and more as the weeks go by, I guess I do have plenty to give thanks for, be joyful over, and rejoice in. I may not always look at the “bright side”, for grief has many phases, but I can be reminded that Anthony’s life and death was not not naught.

A Simple Acknowledgement

03. January 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

Someone once told me that we should never “just get over it.”  Getting over it implies that we should forget and move on.  The truth is that the things that happen to us, the people we meet, and the experiences we have are all what make us who we are.  So instead of getting over it and forgetting, we should simply remember and move forward, not move on.

It’s now been a couple weeks since the news of Luke, Anthony, and Katie’s death and disappearance stopped showing up on front page headlines, but it’s still front page news to those of us who knew the three of them and loved them so dearly.  I spent Christmas with my family up in the Puget Sound where I grew up.    We had nearly 20 close friends and family members at our house for Christmas dinner, but before they arrived, I shared with my mom that I was slightly anxious.  All of them were well informed that Anthony was a dear friend of mine and that I had been living the news they had all been watching on TV.  I didn’t know how long I would last being around so many people, or how they would greet me, or if they would even acknowledge my grief.  To my comfort, many of them did, even if it was just with a simply hug and an “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  That was enough.  To certain people, I talked more openly about my experience, but mostly I just accepted their kindness and sympathy.  I let my family into my grieving process a bit more though.  At one point in the evening, a wave of emotion washed over me and I excused myself and sat on the stairs going up to my mom’s art studio for a long while by myself just thinking, and praying, and crying.  Not long after I had been sitting there, my mom gently put her hand on my knee and said, “I noticed you had been missing for a while.  Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”  I told her that I was missing Anthony because this is what Thanksgiving was like when he was here.  She sat with me for quite some time and we just talked and shared our memories of Anthony together.  She held my grief well and helped me in the moving forward process.

Unfortunately, there are some people who don’t know how to hold someone’s grief. I’ve noticed this not only with acquaintances that know my connection to the story, but also with good friends that I got to visit while I was at home.  For me, it’s harder to interact with someone who doesn’t acknowledge the huge elephant in the room.  A simple, “I’m so sorry for your loss” is more than enough kindness to let me know they are thinking about me.  It’s very validating.  Perhaps they are thinking that if I wanted to talk about it, I would bring it up.  Or maybe they don’t want to be the one to bring it back to my attention when maybe I’ve forgotten for a while.  Well, none of us have forgotten or moved on.  But to their defense, I’m not sure if I would have known that a simple acknowledgment and hug would be good medicine for the heart.  Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes is quite eye-opening.

But now I know that when someone is walking through the grieving process, holding their pain can be as simple as three words and an embrace.  If they want to talk, they will take it from there.  I’m challenged to help those who grieve move forward, not just “get over it.”

It’s Gonna Feel Like Heaven When We’re Home

03. January 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , , , ,

Up on a mountain, closer to Heaven.

Anthony was made for Heaven. That has become more and more clear as the days and weeks pass and the more reflection and discovery we all walk through. I stopped at Chris and Mel’s in Longview on my way back to Portland this afternoon to see Jon and LaDonna before they head back to Montana. As LaDonna, Mel and I visited in the kitchen, she told me that they had spent some time going through Anthony’s room as a family. I’ve been thinking about what that would look like and how hard that would be, so I’m glad they all did it together. They found a couple things that, combined with many of the stories we’ve heard and many of the memories we have of Anthony, show us that his days were clearly numbered (Psalm 139:16) and perhaps he knew that.

Not only did his love and passion for the Lord show us that he was excited about living with Him eternally, but the fact that he loved the mountains so much means that maybe he went to those high places because he felt nearer to God and closer to Heaven. After all, Jesus went to the high places when we wanted to pray (Luke 6:12), so why wouldn’t we do the same? And why wouldn’t Anthony? My mom could easily see that perhaps Anthony wasn’t made for here. She send me a text saying, “Anthony always seemed to have one foot on earth and another pulling him toward Heaven. I think that’s why he was so drawn to climbing.” Beautifully said, Mom. Anthony even told some of his youth group kids that if he could choose the way he left this earth, he would want to die on a mountain. The more I think about it, the more that brings me such a divine peace.

Today, when LaDonna, Mel, and I were talking in the kitchen, LaDonna asked me if I had ever seen the photo of Anthony at the beach. I shook my head and said that I hadn’t so she described the picture to me. The lens was angled down at Anthony’s feet (which resembled those of a hobbit: small and hairy) and in the sand surrounding his feet, he had written “Heaven” and drawn a circle around it. She said that the photo was inspired by a song about heaven encircling us or something like that (I’ve never heard the song so I don’t know the lyrics verbatim). She found that picture in his room along with a ring of Anthony’s that Jon is going to wear from now on in honor of his son. The ring was a class ring Anthony got in high school and on one side of it, it said “John 13:34″ which says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” On the other side, it simply said, “Heaven” and had a ray of sun underneath it. It’s no wonder where Anthony’s home was.

Though we miss him so and want him home with us to hug and to hold and to laugh with and to eat delicious (or not so delicious) food with, we are all the more comforted knowing that he is at Home. His life was lived in such an abundance that he didn’t miss the moments or the experiences or the relationships. Those who grieve as the world grieves would say that at the young age of nearly 26, his life didn’t come full circle. But I truly believe that his life has come around more fully than any of ours have…yet.

As I sat up at Timberline lodge on one of the latter days of the search, I listened to a song called “Arise and Be Comforted” by one of my favorite bands called Watermark. The song was inspired by Isaiah 40, but the part that stuck out to me was the part based on verses 29-31. The song goes, “Lift your eyes to spacious skies, let Him chart your way to fly, spread your wings and fly, for the Lord, He is good.” I closed my eyes, and as the tears pushed out through my lids and down my cheeks, I had this image of Anthony looking upward and flying off that mountain toward the Heaven which he always talked about and longed for.

Like our good friend Dave said in an interview with the reporter at Anth’t memorial, “it’s a relief knowing that he loved Jesus.” Though there are more tears to fall, and more grief to walk through, we find our peace in knowing that Anthony is home and that the Lord’s grace is sufficient no matter what may come our way. May it all put our thought towards Heaven, the way Anthony’s were.

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